This post is one of a series of posts I jotted down in weeks just after Ollie was born. My head was awash with emotions adjusting to becoming a mum of two and whilst I found writing my feelings down helped to process everything, I didn’t publish my thoughts at that point because I wanted to give myself time to make sense of it all. You can find the follow up post to this one here: Two months in, whats changed?
T oday marks the start of the third week of parenting two children… a toddler and a newborn and what a crazy two weeks it has been!
My parents arrived last Monday and Stu took the first week off work, so I feel like I haven’t really got down to the nitty gritty of parenting two on my own just yet. Yet even with the extra help, its been a much bigger change than I ever could have imagined.
Ollie the newborn has been a dream. He’s such a chilled out little baby and took to feeding straight away so I’ve found that as long as I keep his tummy full and his nappy dry he’s a happy little boy.
Ettie on the other hand has ramped up her energy levels tenfold and its been hard to keep up. She’s such a character tearing around the house wanting us to ‘play prams’ but I’m so thankful others are around to help as I’m not sure how I would cope with feeding Ollie (who is a hungry boy) and finding time to play with her if I was on my own…. and yet I just want to be with her all the time!
I think the biggest part of adjusting to having two children, which I wasn’t really expecting to feel is the massive dose of mum guilt that popped out alongside Ollie’s placenta!! I knew things would change one Ollie was born and I knew we’d have to give Ettie extra cuddles to make her feel better about another little human entering her world, but actually I think I’m the one finding the change the hardest and that’s something I wasn’t expecting.
Its been the most incredible two years since my motherhood journey began and I’ve loved every moment of being Ettie’s Mummy, to the point where I think I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t slightly mourning the fact that our time together as a twosome is now over. Being Etties Mummy has become part of who I am. I know some Mums want to be known as more than a mother, and maybe that will come later for me, but at the moment I’m ‘Ettie’s Mummy’ and I’m incredibly proud of that. I feel like I’ve finally found something that I’m good at and its a lovely feeling.
Since becoming a mum of two, I kind of expected that confidence to double, thinking life would carry on as it was, but with an extra human in tow. But instead I feel like I’ve gone backwards and I’m not really sure where to begin dividing my time. I’ve got a heart full of love and a brain full of fear with thoughts pinging through my head daily questioning things like ‘can I do this?’, ‘have I taken on too much?’ and ‘I haven’t got enough arms!’. I feel like I need to find myself a new identity, that of a mother of two and Mum to a boy… and I need to get organised because with two children commanding my attention… constantly, nothing will ever get done unless we plan in advance!
Everything is different now. We can’t just leave the house to go off on an adventure at the drop of a hat because we need to make sure Ollie is fed and changed first… and that’s pretty stressful with a two year old demanding to leave the house that instant! My nerves are frazzled! Then even when we get somewhere, its not the carefree time we used to have, because my attention needs to be on Ollie because he is the smallest and I’m finding that hard to take in. I hope Ettie doesn’t get bored of me.
She’s so good with her little brother, fascinated by his every move. She won’t even consider going anywhere without him, but at the same time I know she is a little unsure about sharing her mum. In the past two weeks there have been a couple of nights where I wasn’t able to put her to bed because I needed to feed Ollie. This made me sad because bedtime has always been my favourite part of the day where we’d have a little chat and read a story cuddled up together. On those nights I’ve found myself sneaking into her room for extra cuddles once she was asleep, so scared that those times together are now over.
Our family has grown an extra person and we are all so lucky, fulfilled and hopelessly in love with our little Ollie, but at the same time I hope this transition period is over soon as Mummys heart is bursting with so much love, every day is a bit of a roller-coaster.